October book review – Attached.

Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller is an excellent read for those wanting to learn more about who they are in relationships – secure, anxious, or avoidant – and how to make the most of this knowledge. Information, case studies, and practical questionnaires enhance consolidation of learning and enjoyment. I could hardly put it down and would definitely recommend it!

Here’s a short overview of the attachment styles:

Those with a secure attachment style feel at ease explaining their needs within a relationship, feel confident that their needs are valid, and expect that their partner would react positively to hearing their needs. Secures cope well with emotional and physical intimacy, allowing space and closeness, and understand that disagreements happen within a relationship without it meaning a personal attack.

Those with an anxious attachment style require reassurance in a relationship, with a tendency to worry about their own lovability or worthiness. Anxious people can be hyper-aware of something being ‘off’ in the relationship and will engage in safety-seeking behaviours to settle back down. Anxious people may strive for physical intimacy and acceptance from others. Anxious people can sometimes be referred to as ‘needy’ which is unhelpful as we all have needs, we just display and communicate them differently.

Those with an avoidant attachment style find it difficult to express their needs and feelings in a relationship and can view a relationship as a loss of independence and autonomy. As such, emotional and physical intimacy can be challenging as the avoidant person will seek to maintain distance. Avoidants are high in confidence and don’t rely on others for reassurance. They’re not necessarily lonely – they may have numerous friendships or sexual partners, but these relationships are usually only surface level which means that meaningful relationships don’t occur (as we need to get deep to get meaningful).

Our brains are malleable and, as such, it’s possible to work on our attachment style. But first, we need to acknowledge what our attachment style is, be willing to put in the work, and then – you guessed it – actually make some changes!

The book, Attached is a great way to get started, and working with a therapist can help you navigate your new-found knowledge.