December’s book review is all about love.
Gary Chapman details how we recognise and express love in our relationships in his book, The 5 Love Languages.
This book helps you to identify your own primary love language and that of your spouse and, perhaps more importantly, how to learn to speak the language of you partner i.e., learn to meet your partner’s needs in a way that’s meaningful to them.
The five languages are: Words of affirmation, Acts of service, Receiving gifts, Quality time, and Physical touch. *
You might be thinking, most/all of these are important for a successful relationship. This book doesn’t deny that. Instead, it helps you to work out which is the most important to you and to your partner, the thing you each can’t live without.
When you know what your priorities are, you can act accordingly.
What the book achieves so effectively is the overarching metaphor of language. Just as we can spend all day speaking English to try to explain a point, if the listener only speaks Spanish, then we’re getting nowhere, Chapman demonstrates that so too is the same with love languages – if we’re communicating via Acts of service but the recipient only recognises Quality time, then we’re hitting a brick wall.
We need to understand what’s important to the recipient. This isn’t the same as saying the other person’s needs are more important than our own, rather that we’re willing to speak their language to meet their needs with hope that they’ll reciprocate with learning to speak our language too.
We’re choosing to love our partner in a way they’d like to be loved.
Chapman writes in an accessible way and clearly explains the five languages with the support of case studies, prompting questions, and language-specific tips throughout. There is also a questionnaire for you and your spouse to complete at the end of the book which is a fun and friendly way to open discussion.
Chapman remains neutral throughout and does not say one language is better than another or suggest letting go of your language. The book helps the reader to notice and accept what’s important to each person in the relationship and how to act in a helpful way in line with these needs and desires.
The book is written with married couples as a target audience, but it seems as though it would be helpful for any long-term relationships; those that are a couple of years in, living together, or passed the ‘honeymoon stage’.
Chapman also has created subsequent editions of the book for men, singles, teens, children, and military personnel.
I’d highly recommend this book to anyone looking for their relationship to go the distance! It’s a quick read with easily transferrable tips and a tone that feels welcoming and safe for relationship discussion.
* Words of affirmation = your partner gives compliments and appreciation e.g., saying ‘I really like…’.
* Act of service = your partner does things for you e.g., doing the washing, taking the bins out.
* Receiving gifts = your partner buys/makes physical items e.g., buying a bunch of flowers.
* Quality time = spending time together without distraction e.g., dinner without phones.
* Physical touch = physical contact e.g., hand holding, cuddling, sex.
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