Saying yes too often to other people EVEN if you don’t want to? To-do list growing? Too many social plans?
People pleasing can seem nice on the surface but it can actually become really problematic for you, your relationships, and your lifestyle.
Perhaps you’re already finding yourself:
- Cancelling plans, turning up late, or leaving early to fit everything in.
- Taking time off work because you’ve reached burnout or you’ve become really rundown.
- Becoming resentful because it feels like you’re always giving but never getting or working round the clock.
- Feeling stressed, anxious, worried, and overwhelmed because you don’t have enough time and space.
- Creating extra things to do in the hope that it will please people even if they haven’t asked you to.
A wee extra favour for someone here or there is ok, as is having a lot on at work one particular day or week, but it’s important to be realistic about the associated costs and not just leap into saying yes right away.
The fact of the matter is:
WE CAN’T POUR FROM AN EMPTY CUP.
We need to find away of filling our cup back up and only giving what we’re truly able and willing to give without it being detrimental to ourselves.
Open, honest, and transparent boundaries which are effectively communicated to others can help.
The part about communication is important because we can’t expect other people to mind-read and somehow just know and respect our boundaries.
To start thinking about your boundaries, consider your reasonable time limits for work, chores, exercise, relaxation, and socialising:
- Book time with yourself in your diary for the different things you want to do or put a big ol’ line through it so you don’t book someone else in.
- Create time and space to THINK about your answer by consulting your diary first, ‘can I get back to you on that I need to check my diary’.
- When you say no to socialising, keep it simple and honest, ‘sorry I won’t be able to make it this time, I have a lot on, looking forward to catching up soon’, or ‘I’m not free this week but what about the following Saturday, I’m free then’.
- At work check your to-do list, delegate, and share responsibility, ‘I can certainly help with this project but I only have an hour that I can dedicate to it due to the other tasks on my caseload so I’ll need some support, who else can contribute’.
A common fear is that putting boundaries in place is going to be met with judgement, that people will think you’re rude, bad, or lazy, ‘If I say no, they’ll think less of me’.
This is rarely the case! It’s actually helpful for the other person to know where you really stand.
Top tip for saying no:
Try to AVOID exaggerating or adding extra untrue excuses:
- ‘I’m busy on Friday’ is acceptable.
- ‘I’m busy because my pet fish is sick, and I’ll need to take him to the vet before going to check on my elderly relative’ when that’s not true is not ok.
People know when you’re telling porkies (even if they don’t say it), so honesty really is the best policy in these cases.
Being honest actually helps you when you’re worried about being viewed as rude, bad, or lazy because you’re showing the person respect which in itself counteracts your worries.
There are a number of positives from operating with effective boundaries:
- Freedom! You free up time and space in your diary to restore your balance and you free up your mind so you can think more clearly.
- Trust. People will be able to trust you when you respond to their requests to make plans because you’re not fibbing about why you need to cancel.
- Dependability. People will be able to depend on you turning up on time, staying throughout, and not cancelling; knowing that people can depend on you will make YOU feel good.
- Contentment. Instead of resentment growing, contentment will take its place. It will no longer feel like you’re always giving and not getting.
- Peace. You’ll feel calm and in control of your diary with sufficient time for yourself.
Sound good? Book in time with a therapist if you need some more help to work on this, it’s what we’re here for.
Therapy with Kirsty 