When you hear the word ‘perfectionism’, perhaps you think of a highly efficient, detail-oriented person who is tidy, organised, and prepared.
The one who uses to-do lists, labels, spreadsheets, systems, and diaries.
The one who likes to get things right, who works hard, who turns up 20 minutes early rather than 1 minute late.
The perfectionist might have ideas like:
- ‘If something’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right’
- ‘I must do it properly’
- ‘I must be perfect’
The truth is that perfectionism can actually look like:
- Procrastination:
I’m not sure about this, so I’ll do all these other things so I can still feel productive. - Avoidance:
I better not do that because I can’t do it perfectly. - Self-criticism:
I’m so terrible because I didn’t get it correct straight away.
The perfectionist uses lots of ‘shoulds’ and ‘musts’ and finds it hard to recognise achievements; it’s always about how to improve.
Driving the perfectionism is fear.
Fear of failure, fear of being out of control, fear of being found out.
A belief that ‘I’m not good enough’, ‘I can’t cope’, or ‘I am stupid’.
Perfectionism is a protective coping mechanism for these fears and beliefs and can sound something like:
- ‘If I’m prepared, then I’m in control’
- ‘If I stay quiet, then I won’t look stupid’
- ‘If I criticise myself, then it won’t hurt when others point out my flaws’
But perfectionism can become debilitating.
It stops us from moving out of our comfort zone to try new things.
It keeps us stuck.
Because we can’t prepare for everything, we can’t be in control all the time, we can’t be amazing at everything.
The perfectionist has a hard time accepting that and letting go because what will that look like? What if I come undone?
The perfectionist can learn to let go – even just a touch – and find out that standards can remain high while also feeling joy and achievement rather than being driven by fear.
Perfectionists can learn that good enough is good enough.
Therapy with Kirsty 