Therapy with Kirsty

‘Fear of missing out’ (FOMO) has been strongly linked to social media yet social media actually guarantees missing out. Think about how this plays out – either you’re at home looking at other people’s pictures sad to not be part of that experience, or you are part of the experience but you’re too busy taking photos or scrolling/posting on social media which limits your engagement in the experience itself and limits your connection to others. Either way you’re missing out.

Social media can serve a purpose however there are some downsides to be mindful of and this post explains some of them along with some tips for altering social media habits towards something that feels healthier for you.   

• Relationships – despite technological connection, social media is alienating. When you’re on your phone, you’re not paying attention to people you’re with and this creates distance. You might remember having to repeat yourself because someone has been on their phone and wasn’t listening properly; how did that make you feel?
  
  True friendship isn’t based on looking at a photo-narrative of someone’s life and validating it through ‘likes’. Nor is it based on reading a sentence of their perspective then deciding in a split second whether you agree with it or not. You might think you know about your friend’s life because you’ve seen where they’ve been on holiday or a dance they uploaded, but when have you spoken to them about their life or how they feel? When have they offered you the same courtesy?
  
• Compare and despair – comparing yourself to others leads to despair, especially when you’re comparing your real self to someone’s ‘social media self’ – you know, the one they’ve chosen to present, the best pictures of the best moments. This is damaging for self-esteem and can lead to self-destructive behaviours such as overeating or social withdrawal, which maintain the vicious cycle of comparison, self-criticism, self-destruction.
  
• Adverts – adverts have been tailored to our interests and insecurities. Social media giants know what we ‘like’, what we look at, and what we look for. These adverts reinforce how we perceive the world’s standards and reduce our ability to form our own opinions as we begin to think in terms of ‘shoulds and musts’ – ‘I must look like that’, ‘I should wear that’, ‘I must do that’, and so on.
  
• Attention – being able to pay attention is crucial for problem solving and for achieving small, medium, and long-term goals. Due to the nature of social media, it’s been proven that our attention spans are becoming more limited, we need everything to be instant and attention-grabbing, if not we’re off! It might be clear why it’s important to be able to pay attention to achieve long-term goals, but even on a small scale it’s a problem. Think about when you’ve entered a room to look for something, picked up your phone to check something and then forgotten what you needed to do because your mind is full of distraction. Problem solving our own instant crises (big or small) can also become difficult when our mind is racing and jumping from one screen to another.
  
  Flitting between different screens and tasks is hard for the brain as we can only think consciously about one thing at a time (that’s just how our brains work). Even when we think we’ve just glanced at our phone, our brain is needing to process what we’ve seen and then refocus on the original task. This increases the likelihood for errors and depletes our memory and creativity.

Tips:

• Put your phone on silent or out of sight when you’re spending time with someone or doing a task; fully focus on current activity. This enhances connection to the person and gives you a feel-good factor of experiencing the moment fully or achieving your task.
  
• Consider changing the notifications you receive or deleting apps to limit your distractions. You’ll be able to access your information at a time that suits you.
  
• Limit phone use – do this in a very real way. What are the apps that you need and want to use? What days and times will you use them?
  
• Tell people about what you’re doing (this is called precommitment). An example would be to say, ‘I’m going to put my phone away at dinner so I can focus on the conversation’. Vocalising your goal helps you to stick to it.
  
• Plan what else you’d like to spend your time on – reading, walking, cooking, drawing, meeting a friend, or joining a class. You’ll be surprised how much you can get done when you’re not attached to your phone!

On the surface, the phrase ‘fight or flight’ might make sense to you but perhaps you’re not sure what it means on a deeper level. This post will explain what’s really happening during fight and flight.

Fight or flight is the body’s emotional and physical response to stress and it’s helpful for keeping us safe. It’s the same response that helped our cavemen ancestors react to tiger attacks. Modern life is full of stress – working, parenting, rushing, even eating unhealthy foods causes a stress response – the body will react in the same way to these stressors as to a tiger.

The brain stem (lower part of the brain) keeps an eye on whether we’re safe in our environments, sometimes misinterpreting safe situations (such as new social situations, a work presentation, or being late for an appointment) as being dangerous. If danger is detected, the amygdala (emotional brain) reacts quicker than our rational brain. We know this has kicked in when we experience an increased heart rate, increased muscle tension, increased breathing, increased pupil size, and increased sweat. The blood rushes to big muscle groups away from the digestive system which can cause the need to urinate, and we can experience butterflies or churning in the stomach. In these moments, the brain starts replaying negative memories as it tries to problem solve. These bodily reactions are alarming, and they are meant to be – the body is preparing to react to keep us safe through retaliation (fight) or running away (flight). However, these reactions can be scary if we’re not aware of the trigger that our body has detected.

Over time, stress, anxiety, or depression all hinder the brain’s ability to stop or slow false fight or flight activations which causes them to happen more often.

We don’t have control over the fight or flight response, it’s automatic. But we do have control over the regulation of our system to stop ourselves being so easily triggered.

The first step is being aware, what are situations you find stressful and what are the bodily symptoms you experience? The next step is regulating your breathing, try breathing in for the count of 3 and out for the count of 4. Breathing in this way signals to the brain that there’s no danger and your body can begin to relax. Finally, speaking to a trusted friend or a therapist can help you put stressful situations in perspective to prevent this reaction being activated.

1) Therapy is a sign of weakness ❌

Therapy is a sign of being proactive about your mental health, of being resourceful in your approach to feeling better, and of bravery for opening yourself up to another person. It’s healthy to acknowledge that you need or want some time to process your experience and speaking to an impartial person is proven to be very helpful.

2) My problems aren’t big enough or important enough for therapy ❌

If it matters to you then it matters. Whatever it is, if it’s playing on your mind or getting in the way of you living to your fullest potential, then it’s worth exploring. What seems like a ‘small’ problem on the surface could actually be a sign of something significant to you. Therapy can help you work out what’s going on and learn ways of navigating your world. Therapy is for everyone! No matter your background, your identity, your hobbies or interests, therapy is a safe and inclusive space, free from judgement. 

3) I can’t do therapy, I’m not good at speaking about myself ❌

The role of the therapist is to help you access and give voice to your thoughts and feelings. You don’t need to have it all worked out or know what you need or want to say, the process of therapy will help you with this. Having a good relationship with your therapist will allow this to blossom.

4) The therapist will blame my problems on me or my upbringing ❌

Therapists will not blame or shame you or your upbringing. Therapy enables you to see your life from a clearer perspective and empowers you to make choices about how to proceed. Blame has no place in therapy.

5) If I go to therapy, I’ll need to stop being who I am ❌

The point of therapy is not to stop you being who you are, quite the opposite! Therapy helps you to work out what’s important to you, what values you hold, and how to be more of yourself not less. You may choose to make some changes to your thinking styles, behaviours, or relationships but this is completely up to you. Many people describe therapy as a process of ‘becoming who they were meant to be’ or ‘returning to who they really are’.

Life can feel challenging, trying to do what’s right for everyone and trying to make sure everyone is happy. Over the last two years, Covid has changed plans, raised anxiety, and knocked self-esteem. Perhaps you can hear the voice of your inner critic saying that you can’t cope or that it’s too hard or overwhelming.

Here are three simple steps to boost your self-esteem.

1. Set realistic expectations: Think about what you’re trying to achieve and what is really possible for you in the time available. Do what you can with what you have and be proud of what you manage to achieve. You are enough.
   
   
2. Plan your time: think about how you’d like to use your time, write down a list of what will happen when and with whom on a given day. A plan will help you approach the day with more confidence, as you won’t overload your brain with too much information, and you’ll reduce the anxiety of thinking about what you may have forgotten. And remember, this is just a plan, and it might not work out ‘perfectly’, but you’ll be able to use it as a guide for keeping yourself on track.
   
   
3. Look out for positives: You have your to-do list, now it’s time for your ta-da list! It can be really easy to spot things that haven’t gone as we’d expected and feel down or worried as a result. My challenge to you, is to keep your eye out for positives. Talk about these positives with a friend or family member, make a note of them on your phone, or put a list up on the fridge! Find what works for you and lean into it. It will give your self-esteem a real boost to think and talk about the things that have gone well.

As a little gift from me to you, let me give you an extra step: Breathe! This one might seem obvious as we do it every day but give yourself some time (a minute or two if you’re new to this) to really focus on your breathing. Top tip: try breathing in for the count of three and out for the count of four. This helps take you to the ‘rest and digest’ part of your brain, which alleviates anxiety and helps you to feel better within yourself.

Age, occupation, interests, culture, and religion. We use all of these and more to connect to another. As curious, social beings we instinctively gravitate towards making contact, finding love in many forms, and searching for meaning.

Despite this, we are born alone, and we must die alone, the only thing certain in life is death. Depending on your perspective contemplating this can be debilitating or liberating. Dr Irvin Yalom recognises through his work with cancer patients that being so acutely aware of the end drives people to live in the now. Within this there is a challenge, to embrace this mindset before experiencing illness, diagnosis, or prognosis. Keeping the end in mind can drive you to do more, to think more, to feel more. Keeping the end in mind can help you to focus on your own life process, to let go of the expectations you have of yourself and of others. You cannot control the thoughts, feelings, and actions of others but you can control you and now is the time.

Daughter, sister, friend, colleague, wife. As we go through our own life process, making contact, finding love, searching for meaning, there are but 23 words first uttered by Fritz Perls to remember, ‘You are you, and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, it’s beautiful. If not, it can’t be helped’.