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When you hear the word ‘perfectionism’, perhaps you think of a highly efficient, detail-oriented person who is tidy, organised, and prepared. 

The one who uses to-do lists, labels, spreadsheets, systems, and diaries.

The one who likes to get things right, who works hard, who turns up 20 minutes early rather than 1 minute late.

The perfectionist might have ideas like:

• ‘If something’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right’
• ‘I must do it properly’
• ‘I must be perfect’

The truth is that perfectionism can actually look like:

• Procrastination:
  I’m not sure about this, so I’ll do all these other things so I can still feel productive.
• Avoidance:
  I better not do that because I can’t do it perfectly.
• Self-criticism:
  I’m so terrible because I didn’t get it correct straight away.

The perfectionist uses lots of ‘shoulds’ and ‘musts’ and finds it hard to recognise achievements; it’s always about how to improve.

Driving the perfectionism is fear.

Fear of failure, fear of being out of control, fear of being found out. 

A belief that ‘I’m not good enough’, ‘I can’t cope’, or ‘I am stupid’.

Perfectionism is a protective coping mechanism for these fears and beliefs and can sound something like:

• ‘If I’m prepared, then I’m in control’ 
• ‘If I stay quiet, then I won’t look stupid’
• ‘If I criticise myself, then it won’t hurt when others point out my flaws’

But perfectionism can become debilitating. 

It stops us from moving out of our comfort zone to try new things. 

It keeps us stuck. 

Because we can’t prepare for everything, we can’t be in control all the time, we can’t be amazing at everything. 

The perfectionist has a hard time accepting that and letting go because what will that look like? What if I come undone?

The perfectionist can learn to let go – even just a touch – and find out that standards can remain high while also feeling joy and achievement rather than being driven by fear.  

Perfectionists can learn that good enough is good enough. 

Saying yes too often to other people EVEN if you don’t want to? To-do list growing? Too many social plans?

People pleasing can seem nice on the surface but it can actually become really problematic for you, your relationships, and your lifestyle.

Perhaps you’re already finding yourself:

• Cancelling plans, turning up late, or leaving early to fit everything in.
• Taking time off work because you’ve reached burnout or you’ve become really rundown.
• Becoming resentful because it feels like you’re always giving but never getting or working round the clock.
• Feeling stressed, anxious, worried, and overwhelmed because you don’t have enough time and space.
• Creating extra things to do in the hope that it will please people even if they haven’t asked you to.

A wee extra favour for someone here or there is ok, as is having a lot on at work one particular day or week, but it’s important to be realistic about the associated costs and not just leap into saying yes right away.

The fact of the matter is:

WE CAN’T POUR FROM AN EMPTY CUP.

We need to find away of filling our cup back up and only giving what we’re truly able and willing to give without it being detrimental to ourselves.

Open, honest, and transparent boundaries which are effectively communicated to others can help.

The part about communication is important because we can’t expect other people to mind-read and somehow just know and respect our boundaries.

To start thinking about your boundaries, consider your reasonable time limits for work, chores, exercise, relaxation, and socialising:

• Book time with yourself in your diary for the different things you want to do or put a big ol’ line through it so you don’t book someone else in.
• Create time and space to THINK about your answer by consulting your diary first, ‘can I get back to you on that I need to check my diary’.
• When you say no to socialising, keep it simple and honest, ‘sorry I won’t be able to make it this time, I have a lot on, looking forward to catching up soon’, or ‘I’m not free this week but what about the following Saturday, I’m free then’.
• At work check your to-do list, delegate, and share responsibility, ‘I can certainly help with this project but I only have an hour that I can dedicate to it due to the other tasks on my caseload so I’ll need some support, who else can contribute’.

A common fear is that putting boundaries in place is going to be met with judgement, that people will think you’re rude, bad, or lazy, ‘If I say no, they’ll think less of me’.

This is rarely the case! It’s actually helpful for the other person to know where you really stand.

Top tip for saying no:

Try to AVOID exaggerating or adding extra untrue excuses:

• ‘I’m busy on Friday’ is acceptable. 
• ‘I’m busy because my pet fish is sick, and I’ll need to take him to the vet before going to check on my elderly relative’ when that’s not true is not ok.

People know when you’re telling porkies (even if they don’t say it), so honesty really is the best policy in these cases.

Being honest actually helps you when you’re worried about being viewed as rude, bad, or lazy because you’re showing the person respect which in itself counteracts your worries.

There are a number of positives from operating with effective boundaries:

• Freedom! You free up time and space in your diary to restore your balance and you free up your mind so you can think more clearly.
• Trust. People will be able to trust you when you respond to their requests to make plans because you’re not fibbing about why you need to cancel.
• Dependability. People will be able to depend on you turning up on time, staying throughout, and not cancelling; knowing that people can depend on you will make YOU feel good.
• Contentment. Instead of resentment growing, contentment will take its place. It will no longer feel like you’re always giving and not getting.
• Peace. You’ll feel calm and in control of your diary with sufficient time for yourself.

Sound good? Book in time with a therapist if you need some more help to work on this, it’s what we’re here for.

The book reviews were on hiatus for the month of January as I took a little time to read non-therapy related books.

But I’m glad to say the next review will be coming soon – and for the first time it’ll be a two-parter!

Part 1 will be ‘The Chimp Paradox‘ and Part 2 will be ‘A Path Through the Jungle‘; both written by Professor Steve Peters who you might have heard on Steve Bartlett’s podcast, The Diary of a CEO.

So keep your eyes peeled in the month of Feb for Part 1.

In case you’re interested, my top read from this last month was Anne Frank’s, ‘The Diary of a Young Girl‘:

‘Ok, next lamppost’, my mum would say to 5 year old me.

This was a boundary.

She gave me the freedom to run but only as far as the next lamppost so that her eyes were on me, ensuring my safety. I gained a sense of autonomy and independence within safe boundaries.

The boundary became a challenge.

Seeing how quickly I could run to the next lamppost. Or how many times I could run to the lamppost and back to her until she’d caught me up. I gained achievement and enjoyment.

The challenge became a short-term goal.

When I go running as an adult and I think of giving up, I tell myself, ‘Ok, next lamppost’, instead of thinking about how far I still have to go. This way of thinking breaks down my goal distance for the run into smaller, manageable chunks. Once I get to the next lamppost, I again tell myself, ‘Ok, next lamppost’. I continue with this for as a long as I need; sometimes it’s just a couple of lampposts to get me going or sometimes it’s the whole way home! I gain drive and determination.

The goal became a metaphor.

In my life, when things get tough, I mentally change the ‘next lamppost’ to just focusing on the next task, not getting bogged down by other things on the to-do list, just do the next thing. Before I know it, I’ve ticked off so many things on the list, just by focusing on one small goal rather than the bigger picture. Small consistent steps add up. I gain hope and forward momentum.

It’s amazing how the messages from childhood shape our worldview as adults.

The concept of messages is something we need to raise our awareness of in therapy.

What were those messages from childhood?

What did they tell us about ourselves, other people, and the world?

How do they impact us now as adults in terms of our thoughts, beliefs, and behaviours?

What’s helpful and unhelpful about this impact?

What can we do to make small and consistent helpful changes?

A therapist can help you unpack all this and work towards meaningful change.

CBT stands for Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. Cognitions are what we think, behaviours are what we do, and these aspects impact how we feel.

CBT is all about identifying and restructuring unhelpful thinking styles and behaviour patterns and working towards goals.

Goals can be really varied from person to person but can involve things like increasing self-esteem, reducing imposter syndrome, communicating effectively, processing the past, or finding focus or purpose; however, they’re always specific to the client. 

CBT can stay focused in the here-and-now looking at problem solving in day-to-day life or can delve deeper into the past to see where certain thinking styles or behaviours come from. Perhaps there are some unresolved issues, experiences, or traumas, or perhaps you’re just curious to make connections between past and present.

The word I’d use to describe CBT is proactive.

I’m not here to fix you or tell you what to do. I’ll be alongside you helping you set and work towards your goals. You’ll complete homework in between sessions, and I’ll ask you for feedback at the end of each session and items to add to the agenda at the start. 

Speaking of agendas – each session will have an agenda set at the beginning to make sure we’re always working towards your goals. There can be a bit of flex to talk about things that might pop up or become important to you but broadly speaking our work is about helping you to achieve your desired goals. 

Although there’s an expectation for you to do the work, I am absolutely here to help you. I’ll provide you with ‘psychoeducation’ (explanations about how we work as humans) as well as tools and strategies that are proven to help reframe our thoughts and test out new alternatives. 

There are 168 hours in a week and you’re with me for just 1.

So, it’s really about what you can do out-with our sessions to maximise your progress. I can help you with this by supporting you to think of homework exercises to complete (reflections, written exercises, and behavioural experiments) that are relevant to your goals. 

Before we finish, I’ll take you through how to maintain your progress and prevent setbacks so that by the end, you can ‘be your own therapist’. You’ll know your sore or tricky points, your typical unhelpful patterns (and why they’re there), and you’ll have tools and other coping strategies to help you from falling into the same old patterns.

I think of myself as a passenger on your bus – you’re always driving, I just get on for a couple of stops until it’s time for me to go.

My practice is currently full so now is the time to get yourself to the top of my waiting list.

I provide sessions on Monday evenings, Tuesday evenings, Wednesday evenings, Friday mornings, and Friday afternoons.

Drop me an email and we can have a chat about how I work and what you’d like to work on to see if we’re a good fit for you.

Then you’re all set to be added to the top of my list as soon as a slot becomes available.

What are you waiting for?

Make 2023 the year you invest in YOU.

What to wear? The room in the background. Who the therapist is going to be and what they’re going to be like.

Signing into therapy for the first time can be daunting.

What you can expect to see when you log in to do Therapy with Kirsty is in the photo below 👇

❄ In winter you’ll usually find me in a jumper

👓 I’ll be wearing my glasses

🌱 You might see my plant, diffuser, painting in the background.

The things you might not always see as they’re out of view of the online window but are there too are:

🗒️ My notes within my reach so I can jot things down as we speak.

📒 My paper diary on my desk so we can agree and book our next appointment.

☕ If you have an early or lunchtime slot with me I’ll probably have a good coffee nearby or in the evening a wee mint tea, along with my trusty water bottle that comes everywhere with me

I’m back from my festive break feeling rested and restored, I hope you are too.

The new year can be a time that brings up a whole host of different emotions – perhaps joy, or hope and determination, or sadness and grief, or anxiety about what ‘lies around the corner’ in this new year.

Your feelings are valid.

Whatever you’re feeling, this exercise can help you create and sustain forward momentum towards your goals for this year, even if you don’t know what your goals are yet!

Close your eyes and imagine you wake up on your best version of Sunday 31st Dec 2023.

Look around you.

What do you notice?

How do you feel? What are you doing? What are you wearing?

How do you spend your time? Are you working, studying, volunteering, exercising, socialising, holidaying?

What do you eat? What do you drink?

Who is in your life? What do they notice about you?

How does all of this make you feel?

Sit with this feeling for a few minutes before opening your eyes.

Now, on a scale of 0-10 (0 being not at all up to 10 being living your ideal future), what number represents where you are now? And what indicates to you that the number is accurate for now?

It doesn’t matter if you are a 0 or 1 on the scale right now, this is a starting point.

What does the next number up on the scale look like? How would you know if you’ve reached that number?

What action could you take today to work towards that next number on the scale?

You now have a plan.

Once you attain the next number on the scale, acknowledge your progress and then think about what you can do to work towards the next number on the scale.

Remember to be kind to yourself – working towards change can be hard at times, setbacks happen, it’s not all linear.

Start now. Keep going.

You’ll be amazed what you can achieve.

Wishing you the very best for 2023!

I’m out of office until Jan 2nd 2023 and will respond to emails on my return.

Wishing everyone a happy & healthy festive season!

December’s book review is all about love.

Gary Chapman details how we recognise and express love in our relationships in his book, The 5 Love Languages.

This book helps you to identify your own primary love language and that of your spouse and, perhaps more importantly, how to learn to speak the language of you partner i.e., learn to meet your partner’s needs in a way that’s meaningful to them.

The five languages are: Words of affirmation, Acts of service, Receiving gifts, Quality time, and Physical touch. *

You might be thinking, most/all of these are important for a successful relationship. This book doesn’t deny that. Instead, it helps you to work out which is the most important to you and to your partner, the thing you each can’t live without.

When you know what your priorities are, you can act accordingly.

What the book achieves so effectively is the overarching metaphor of language. Just as we can spend all day speaking English to try to explain a point, if the listener only speaks Spanish, then we’re getting nowhere, Chapman demonstrates that so too is the same with love languages – if we’re communicating via Acts of service but the recipient only recognises Quality time, then we’re hitting a brick wall.

We need to understand what’s important to the recipient. This isn’t the same as saying the other person’s needs are more important than our own, rather that we’re willing to speak their language to meet their needs with hope that they’ll reciprocate with learning to speak our language too.

We’re choosing to love our partner in a way they’d like to be loved.

Chapman writes in an accessible way and clearly explains the five languages with the support of case studies, prompting questions, and language-specific tips throughout. There is also a questionnaire for you and your spouse to complete at the end of the book which is a fun and friendly way to open discussion.

Chapman remains neutral throughout and does not say one language is better than another or suggest letting go of your language. The book helps the reader to notice and accept what’s important to each person in the relationship and how to act in a helpful way in line with these needs and desires.   

The book is written with married couples as a target audience, but it seems as though it would be helpful for any long-term relationships; those that are a couple of years in, living together, or passed the ‘honeymoon stage’.

Chapman also has created subsequent editions of the book for men, singles, teens, children, and military personnel.

I’d highly recommend this book to anyone looking for their relationship to go the distance! It’s a quick read with easily transferrable tips and a tone that feels welcoming and safe for relationship discussion.

* Words of affirmation = your partner gives compliments and appreciation e.g., saying ‘I really like…’.

* Act of service = your partner does things for you e.g., doing the washing, taking the bins out.

* Receiving gifts = your partner buys/makes physical items e.g., buying a bunch of flowers.

* Quality time = spending time together without distraction e.g., dinner without phones.

* Physical touch = physical contact e.g., hand holding, cuddling, sex.